Self respect

I wrote this about a year ago, and had it sitting in "drafts" this entire time. Reverting back to old habits, not wanting to post or publish things that weren't absolutely perfect and presentable. Re-reading it a year later, it reads fine. So now, I am happy to share it.

How do you commit to treating yourself better?

As a whole, most people don't give themselves as much respect as they do to others. I know people that constantly put themselves down in their everyday speech. When I bring attention to the self-abuse, they look at me like I've got a (male appendage) growing out of my forehead. And then I realized, I do it too.

I brought meditation back into my every day practice, and realized that by committing to these practices, I am telling myself how important I am to me. Just the way that you wouldn't stand up your best friend, a date, or your boss. Because it's a commitment, and it's important.

I've thought "how do I make myself feel more important?", and I've created these charts and diagrams and schedules of things I should do to show appreciation for myself. It's always DO something. Do more yoga. Climb more. Sing more. At the end of the day, I just need to believe I am important. Allow myself be important, not worry about feeling important.

I am important. And so are you.

Funky business

Boy, I woke up in a rut the other day. I was grumpy and completely engulfed in a weird funk. I had a mini-meltdown the night before because I was feeling worthless. What bothered me the most was that it was self-inflicted (as problem always are.)

I am the cause of my own happiness, and misery.

I was up til 4am, so I decided I needed to take a personal day off. I made a choice, to dedicate the whole day to re-ground myself. On the agenda; tidy up my room, clean out my car, lots of yoga, and meditation.

I meditated for 45 mins in the morning, then took Alison's yoga class at 9:30am. I felt clam throughout her whole class. The meditation was a good call, and Alison's soothing energy helped a lot. The class flowed so nicely, and Alison gave me a lot of personal attention. I focused a lot on lengthening my spine. Everything was about rooting my butt down, and pulling my spine up through my head. By the end of class, I felt at peace, but not quite transcended.

At noon, I took Nikki's lunch class (only 1 hour). Here, I focused on my twists, and balancing postures. Now that my spine felt nice and long, the deep twists came naturally. I was so surprised at how deeply this class breathed. There were only 5 of us, but I could hear the people in the back of the room breathing with me. I felt so supported. Oh, we also did Hanumanasana which was fantastic! My mood improved a bit by the end of class. I enjoyed the backbends as well.

The last class of the day was at 7:30pm. I usually opt to assist this class, but instead I accepted the challenge of yoga-class #3 (thanks to gentle push from Alison.) At this point, I was feeling a bit of tension on my lower back, so I put effort in each one of my fold-forwards and half-lifts. Each forward fold was long, and each half-lift was straight with shoulders back. I modified into cobra a few times just to vary it up a bit. My boat pose, and up-bow felt so peaceful. I could feel all my muscles shaking like a rattlesnake tail. Savasana... I felt like I was asleep but completely awake and aware; like a super deep meditative state. And, wow... that was just the perfect way to end the day. I felt so refreshed, and my mind re-focused. Mind-body, completely transcended.

How my body adjusted and transitioned between classes reinforced how important sequencing is and what muscles need to be warmed up properly in order to go into certain poses. I feel like an hour and a half isn't even enough to get up there sometimes. This is something I'll have to practice more of on my own, in order to become a stronger teacher.

The whole day was real a treat, and I needed it so badly. I learned a lot about my body, my mind, yoga, teaching, contentment, and life-in general.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a9eLIdx1TY&list=PLk1ljw6_PvzV5BnUr31STJ4v6dYej4JmM

Rockin' out to Lady Gaga. Her live performances are so personal, even through video. I can't imagine the rush from all that energy if I were actually there..

Buffness

I started weight-lifting, thanks to Lily being such an inspiration.

I have absolutely zero experience in the weight-lifting sport. I downloaded an incredibly helpful app called "Jefit". It's 100% idiot-proof! It's one thing to look up an exercise routine, but you have to have enough knowledge to connect Name of Exercise to Actions required. This app has pictures and description to tell you exactly what to do. Then you record how much weight you lifted, how many reps, and how many sets you did. And, there's a section where you can write notes.

All these records are kept in a calendar form, so you can go back and see what you did on an exact date.

Also, there's a section where you can track your bodily changes. Weight, sizes, etc. It's very detailed.

This app is really good for advanced lifters, too. You can customize your exercises, and there is a library of practically every gym exercise in existence. There are SO MANY. And they are categorized by muscle group.

The routine I'm following is the basic one that was already on the app, written for beginners. But, you can add/remove your own exercises. It's 100% personalized to what you want. Also, you can download other routines to help focus on whatever your goal is. There are a bunch for advanced lifters, lean work-outs, etc.

Since this is my first week, there was a lot of play with the weight. I had no idea what my capabilities were, since I had no previous experience with weight. I was surprised to see how weak my back is, and how strong my biceps are. I always thought it was the other way around!

After one week, I can already feel the strength coming back. And I can even see muscle definition. It's minor, but definitely noticeable.

I feel like I'm feeding my body what it needs. By physically challenging myself, I feel mentally satisfied. It all goes hand-in-hand with eating clean, whole food. I have much more energy, and I wake up happy. It feels fantastic.

Being needed vs. wanted

One of my insecurities is my odd obsession with being wanted, instead of needed. I would build up, in my head, that if there's a "need" instead of a "want", it lessens the value. But, that really isn't so. It's just different. And often times, the situation can change from being needed, to wanted; and visa versa.

I have to remind myself that the reasons don't really matter.

I put too much importance in this and I know it's what holds me back from having closer relationships with people. That I question if they want to be around me, or if they have some sort of need.

I've been feeling quite balanced in my physical and emotional states. No high peaks, or low valleys. I feel happy, and grateful so it keeps me more grounded so I don't crash haha.

I'm reading a wonderful book that Deb recommended called, The Big Leap. I'm about mid-way through, and it really gets you thinking about your life and how much control you have over every aspect of it. I highly recommend the read for everyone.

I'll write snippets that really spoke to me later. I have to go back with my highlighter since I didn't have one with me when I started reading lol. Double work, yay!

Sober 7 days

Hi. My name is Terri, and I've been sober for 7 days.

It's easy to be good as long as you prepare a little bit. Basically, the key has been to not allow myself get hungry. When you're hungry, it's easy to shovel whatever shit is in front of you.

We've heard that saying, eat 5-6 small meals a day. I get it now. It's small snacks, I wouldn't even call them meals.

My first snack. I had mixed fruits (pineapple, watermelon, cantaloupe, melon, and strawberries) topped with oats, coconuts, raisins, almonds, pecans, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and dried passion fruit.

It was fantastic. I didn't feel full, or hungry. I was in a happy place; the middle.

Every day cardio

I've been doing cardio every day, during my lunch break for the last 6 days.

I'm switching it up between the elliptical machine, treadmill, stationary bike, and swimming. It's incredible how each day feels very different, and each day I'm a lot stronger than the last.

You think you have to run for a long time before you get good at it, or strong enough for it but each day has had leaps of improvement.

I did notice that my lower back gets compressed, so I have to do some good long stretches afterwards. Even a basic forward fold, and half-lift feels like an extreme stretch. I spend about 5 minutes stretching before the run, and 10-15 minutes after the run.

I don't generally care about weight, but I am using it as a basic guideline to see where I am in my improvement for now.

The first day, I weighed myself after a 45 minute run. The scale at Planet Granite told me 144.8.
The second day, I wasn't feeling as well so I only ran 30 minutes. I weighed in at 144.2.
The third day, 143.4.
The fourth day, 142.6
The fifth day, 141.8
Today, 140.2

I was losing between .6-.8 each day, except between yesterday and today I lost double! Which is crazy ironic because I ate a shit-ton of carbs yesterday; about double my daily serving size. I had some bread, and then I had rice noodles later as well. I do recall being told that carbs are fuel for runners, so I was trying to control the intake and figure out if it was best for me to have carbs before or after my run. (I'm still figuring out what works best for me.)

After I drop some more of my excess weight (I heard some people refer to it as "water weight"). I'll be doing some weight lifting.

I have absolutely no experience in this field so I'll be reading a lot, and texting my friends who do lift.

I really like the circuit based work-outs. Mostly because they are full-body workouts, instead of focusing on one main muscle group. It's a good pair with my yoga, since Nikki's taught us to cycle through the whole body. So maybe I'll play around with that.

In other news, veganism has been going great. I'm sure that's what is contributing a whole lot to my weight loss. I'm burning what fat I do have, and I'm not consuming massive amounts of animal fats. My god, it must sound so cliché, but I feel so damn clean. Healthy, happy, and so very pure.

Oh! Also, I noticed that the compression in my lower back is because I'm weaker in the shoulders. I switch up my strides to put the focus on different parts of my body. When I lean forward a little, and tuck my tailbone (disengaging my lower back), I feel a lot more tension in my shoulders and back. And since that's where I'm weaker, I have a harder time running in that way. I'll have to work on that.

Any tips or suggestions would be cool, of course.

Creative inspiration

Creativity is self-expression. And self-expression is self-love.

You notice how happy we are when we are being creative? You don't worry about what others are doing. You're just so focused on your project, or what you're expressing. Not because you want others to see what you see, but because you want to live the purity that you are seeing.

There's a sense of selflessness that comes with artistry. You focus on pouring yourself into whatever it is that you're doing, which is a form of self-expression... and you'll attract people who can appreciate it in its rawest form.

This is how I feel when I am singing, painting, or practicing yoga. There's a sense of... the whole rest of the world doesn't exist. I'm in it for me. And it's beautiful.

And, everything has a natural art to it. The way you walk, the way you laugh.

Creativity is the door to pure happiness. Isn't this why kids are so happy (for no real reason)? Because they can be creative. Where, and why do we lose this into adulthood?

I remember something else that Deb said.

You don't have to remove things from your life. Just keep adding the things you want, and the things you don't want, will naturally fall out. You won't have time for it anymore.

Let's put that to action.